Rebecca Hayden, the protagonist in one of my novels, served as a handmaiden to a goddess. She was favored with great healing powers and healed many close to death.
In previous chapters, she lost favor for lying to the High Priestess, and by default of the Goddess.
Gayle Taylor was an acolyte who had been at the temple far longer than Rebecca. She, a senior acolyte, had responsibility for assigning daily duties to junior acolytes. She was hard on Rebecca, correctly jealous that Rebecca progressed faster than her in reaching the level of a handmaiden.
Rebecca entered the Temple and sat on a back bench. The image of the Goddess Delisanna glowed in the mosaic window, coloring sunlight lighting the altar. The desire to prostrate herself before the altar and beg for mercy contested with her pride preventing such. Her pride lost.
She fell to her knees and sent a prayer to Delisanna. “Goddess, forgive me. I was wrong to take the offering and wrong to lie to the High Priestess,” she prayed, tears streaking her cheeks. She repeated her request but felt nothing.
“She will not forgive you.”
Rebecca stood, face flushing. Gayle Taylor, the person who most disliked her, found her on her knees.
“The High Priestess exiled you from the temple, yet you came back begging. The Goddess has no time for liars, like you.”
Rebecca’s hands clenched into fists. She wanted to knock the smug look off Gayle’s face, but her goddess abhorred violence. She relaxed her hands. “The Goddess can forgive me if she desired. You don’t have a say.”
Gayle’s face blanched. “You fell from the Goddess’ graces and will always remain fallen. The pride in your heart will keep you out. Beg, it will do no good.”
Gayle stepped back when Rebecca took a step toward her. Concern showed in her eyes.
“Relax, Gayle, I intend no harm. I will not do violence in the house of my Goddess.”
Head high, Rebecca met Gayle’s stare. “I may have lost the Goddess’ favor, but I once had it. Her grace filled me as I healed a dying man. It filled me when I healed many sick and lame. It filled it when I awoke, while awake, and dreamed with her grace in me. Yes, I am lost to her now and feel the loss well. My consolation is I have felt it while you are still seeking it.”
Rebecca left Gayle standing with her mouth hanging open.
I hope you enjoyed the selection.
Now, please be my editor. Tell me
-Does it paint the image of a girl in pain, sorrowful, or proud? (I hope all three as the selection progressed.)
-Are there grammatical or punctuation errors.
-Any other improvements you want to share.
This selection came from the first novel written. The second novel, a precursor to this one, is under revision. I will share a selection from it soon.
In the meantime, are there areas related to writing that you would like me to address? Tell me what they are using the comment form. I look forward to hearing from you.